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YOUR CHILD WANTS TO QUIT HIS TEAM: HERE'S HOW TO HELP HIM MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION
by Rick Wolff
One evening after practice, 12-year-old Jonathan told his parents that he had decided to quit the team.
Jonathan's parents were perplexed. He was a good player, and he seemed to look forward to practices and games. Why would he want to quit?
His parents tried to find out. Jonathan just shrugged his shoulders. "Playing on the team just isn't cool anymore," he said.
Two weeks into the baseball season, seven-year-old Sarah was holding her own on one of her town's coed rec teams. She seemed to be really enjoying herself and learning the game.
So Sarah's parents were stunned when she announced one Saturday morning: "I don't want to play baseball anymore. It's not fun."
Every day, kids decide to stop doing things. But when your child wants to quit a team, it raises issues about commitment, perseverance, social development, and physical education. What should you do when your child says, "I quit!"?
GET TO THE HEART OF THE MATTER
Whatever reason your child first offers for wanting to quit, there's probably more to it. Get your child to articulate the underlying causes of his unhappiness. That can be tricky, especially since he might not realize what they are himself.
Coax him into telling you why he wants to quit. Use your best active listening skills: Repeat what he says to you so that he knows you hear him; let him finish without rushing in to rebut each point, so that he is willing to say more.
If he seems reluctant, gently prompt him by asking specific questions, such as, "Is there something about the coach that bothers you?"
Listen carefully, or the real reason he wants to quit will slip by you. Once the reason has been identified, assess the situation. Can the problem be solved or is quitting the right choice?
DECIDE WHAT ACTION TO TAKE
Sometimes a simple solution presents itself. For example, after a heart-to-heart talk, Jonathan's parents discovered that their son had been getting less playing time and was embarrassed to be sitting on the bench.
Jonathan's father called the coach to discuss his son's concerns. The coach hadn't realized that he had been giving Jonathan less playing time and said that he would be sure to play Jonathan more. Buoyed by the coach's assurance, Jonathan went back and had a terrific time.
Your child's concern may be equally easy to correct. It may just require some intervention by you.
TEACH YOUR CHILD TO STICK WITH IT
Sometimes the problem is thornier or your child has firmly made up her mind. Sarah's parents discovered that she wanted to quit the baseball team because most of her girlfriends were playing tennis and soccer. She realized she'd rather play with them than play on the baseball team.
This brought Sarah and her parents to a central issue about playing team sports: commitment. For many parents, it is simply unacceptable to quit a team for any reason.
If this is how you feel, tread cautiously. Young kids, like seven-year-old Sarah, are usually trying out team sports for the first time. Team commitment is new to them. Sarah's parents explained to her what commitment to a team meant. But, in deciding how firmly to apply this position, they also took into consideration their daughter's age.
As your child gets older, however, a sense of commitment should be enforced. By the time she is 12, she should understand that leaving the team is not acceptable except under extreme circumstances.
CONSIDER THE CHILD
Take your child's personality and experience into account. Some children are so bashful that a new situation terrifies them. With help from the coach and teammates, you can help them hang in there until they are comfortable.
But what about the 11-year-old chronic quitter who wants to quit his third team in as many seasons? If he sees no reason to stick with anything, it might be time to take a tougher position.
DISCUSS THE CONSEQUENCES
If your child still wants to quit after discussing the problem, support his decision. And be sure he plans to fill his extra time with another activity, preferably a physical one. Unless he is very young, or painfully shy, teach him accountability by having him tell the coach that he is leaving the team, and why.
Learning about commitment, discipline, accountability, and sacrifice are some of the most important lessons a young athlete can take away from team sports. Helping to teach those lessons is part of your commitment to your child.
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